Hot Take Thursday: The Estate Planning Conversations Adult Children Should Have With Aging Parents

Welcome to Hot Take Thursday, our weekly series where we ask attorneys at Law Stein Anderson to weigh in on timely legal questions. 

Who Will Step In if You Need Help?

A parent may be fully independent today but eventually need assistance managing finances, healthcare, property, or everyday responsibilities. Families should discuss who will help before an urgent need arises.

Attorney James C. Man suggested beginning with two direct questions:

“Who is going to step in and help when you can’t handle things anymore? Also, have you spoken to an attorney and gotten all your affairs in order?”

Identifying the person a parent trusts is only the first step. The family must also determine whether that person has been given the appropriate legal authority to act.

An informal understanding among family members may not be enough when someone needs to communicate with financial institutions, access accounts, manage property, or participate in healthcare decisions. Estate planning documents can provide a structure for that assistance and clarify when and how the designated person may act.

What Should Daily Life Look Like if You Need Care?

Planning for incapacity is about more than naming someone to make decisions. Families should also understand what the parent would want those decisions to accomplish.

Attorney Monique Nevarez offered questions that can move the discussion from legal documents to the parent’s everyday quality of life:

“If you couldn’t make decisions for yourself, how would you see your daily life? Do you see yourself at home? Assisted living? Does your estate plan reflect that? Do you have someone in place who can help make it happen or have your best interests at heart?”

These questions can help adult children understand what matters most to their parents. One parent may prioritize remaining at home for as long as possible, while another may prefer a community where care and social support are readily available.

It may not be possible to anticipate every future circumstance, but discussing preferences in advance gives the people making decisions a meaningful point of reference. It can also reveal whether a parent’s current plan supports those preferences—or whether additional legal, financial, or practical preparation may be needed.

Does the Estate Plan Still Reflect Your Wishes?

Having an estate plan does not necessarily mean the planning process is finished. Families, finances, relationships, and laws change over time, while documents may remain untouched for years.

Attorney Desiree F. Rivera recommended asking:

“Do you have estate planning documents? If so, when was the last time you looked at them?”

Attorney Charlotte A. Flanigan similarly identified the need to discuss:

“Whether their estate plan still reflects their current wishes and whether their loved ones know how to carry it out.”

An older plan may name people who are no longer able or appropriate to serve. It may not reflect a marriage, divorce, death, birth, estrangement, relocation, significant financial change, or newly acquired property. Even when the parent’s underlying wishes have not changed, the plan should be reviewed periodically to confirm that it still accomplishes those wishes.

Attorney Katie A. Lindsey suggested going beyond whether a plan exists:

“Are you confident that your estate plan will work the way you intend? Are you sure you know and understand its terms?”

Signing documents without understanding how they operate can create a false sense of security. A review with an estate planning attorney can help parents determine whether their documents, asset ownership, and beneficiary designations work together as intended.

Does the Plan Address Changes in the Family?

Changes in family relationships can have substantial estate planning consequences, particularly when a parent remarries later in life.

Attorney Bryan K. Johnson raised several important questions adult children may need to ask:

“Did you update your trust to address your recent marriage to [stepmom], or did you sign a pre- or postnuptial agreement? Did you know she will receive a statutory share of your estate if you don’t update your trust or have a pre- or postnuptial agreement?”

The specific legal effect of a marriage will depend on the circumstances, but the broader lesson applies to many families: an estate plan created before a major life event may no longer produce the result the parent expects.

For blended families, discussing the plan can be especially important. A parent may want to provide for a surviving spouse while also preserving assets for children from a previous relationship. Unless those intentions are clearly documented and the plan is properly structured, family members may enter the process with very different expectations.

Does Everyone Understand What the Plan Says?

Estate planning conversations do not require parents to disclose every dollar or provide adult children with unrestricted access to their financial lives. Some level of transparency, however, may prevent confusion and conflict later.

Attorney Kianna C. Parviz encouraged families to discuss:

“Understanding what their estate plan actually says, and whether there are any decisions that might surprise the family. A little transparency now can prevent a lot of conflict later.”

Unexpected decisions are not necessarily improper decisions. A parent may have thoughtful reasons for choosing one person to serve as trustee, treating beneficiaries differently, making a charitable gift, or placing conditions on an inheritance. But when family members are surprised by those choices after the parent has died or become incapacitated, they may misunderstand the parent’s intent.

Parents must decide how much they are comfortable sharing. Even a general explanation of their goals and decision-making can sometimes reduce the risk of suspicion, resentment, and disputes.

Estate Planning Should Address Life as Well as Death

Estate planning conversations frequently focus on who will receive property after someone dies. Yet some of the plan’s most important provisions may be needed during the parent’s lifetime.

Attorney Christine M. Allen said adult children should ask:

“Whether they’ve met with an estate planning attorney to make sure their plan reflects their goals—not only for what happens after death, but for how they want their affairs handled during their lifetime.”

A complete plan may address who can manage financial affairs during incapacity, who can participate in healthcare decisions, and how a parent wants personal and financial matters handled if independent decision-making becomes difficult or impossible.

Discussing those issues while the parent can actively express their wishes allows the plan to reflect the parent’s voice. Waiting until a crisis may leave the family with fewer options and less certainty.

Can Your Family Find What They Will Need?

Even a thoughtfully prepared estate plan cannot offer its full benefit if no one knows that it exists or where to find it.

Attorney Charlotte A. Flanigan recommended covering two essential practical questions:

“If you have an estate plan, where is it located, and who do we contact if something happens?”

Adult children may not need immediate possession of every document, but at least one trusted person should know where important materials are stored and how to contact the parent’s attorney, accountant, financial advisor, insurance professional, or other key advisors.

Attorney Christina B. Yee highlighted another increasingly important part of modern planning:

“Do you have a list of your passwords?”

Families now manage significant portions of their lives online. Email accounts, financial platforms, recurring bills, digital photographs, social media profiles, cloud storage, and subscription services may all require attention if a parent becomes incapacitated or dies.

A secure and appropriately maintained record of important accounts and access information can save loved ones from an extensive digital search. Any plan for passwords and digital assets should also account for privacy, security, and the legal authority required to access particular accounts.

What Is the Plan After Death?

While much of the conversation should address a parent’s lifetime needs, adult children should also understand whether there is a plan for what happens after death.

Matthew G. Stein combined the practical concern with a memorable question:

“Did you hide any money in the backyard, and what is the plan for your estate after you pass?”

Most families are unlikely to uncover buried cash, but they may encounter property, accounts, documents, or other assets they did not know existed. A basic understanding of what a parent owns, where important records are kept, and who will be responsible for administering the estate can make an already difficult period more manageable.

Waiting Does Not Preserve the Status Quo

Families sometimes postpone estate planning conversations because nothing appears to require immediate attention. But waiting does not ensure that the parent’s wishes will remain protected.

Attorney Pearl M. Walker explained:

“Adult children and their parents really need to consider, ‘If I died tomorrow, will my child or children be set up for success or failure?’ As difficult as it is to have these conversations with your parents, they’re so important because constantly avoiding a tough conversation, like estate planning, only creates harm in the long run. No plan is still a plan—it is just a bad one.”

The most productive conversation is not an interrogation about money or inheritance. It is a respectful discussion centered on the parent’s autonomy: What do you want? Who do you trust? Does your current plan reflect those decisions? And will the people who need to carry it out know what to do?

Having that conversation now gives parents an opportunity to make their own choices—and gives the entire family greater clarity before those choices are tested by a crisis.

Attorneys Featured in This Week’s Discussion